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August 9, 2021

Hey Christina, I went on a handful of dates with a man who could talk the talk when it came to love language and attachment style; he captivated me. We spent hours talking and getting to know one another. The day after we slept together, he told me that his avoidant attachment was activated and he couldn’t see me again. I am so damn sad and can’t help but wonder “why?” I am left asking myself, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Was I not enough?”, “Was I awful in bed?”, “Will I ever find a man?”

– Blindsided

Dear Blindsided,

Let me start with stating the cold hard fact. Absolutely nothing is “wrong with you”, and while this is a shitty feeling and a disappointing experience, I hope this will help…

I can’t help but believe that dating and relationships provide opportunities to help heal our past. Our previous intimate partners are our greatest teachers…truly. While this may be a challenge to wrap our head around, I can’t help but point out the untrue stories that pop up when we are “rejected”. What I hear in your question is the immediate questioning of self: “Am I enough”; “What’s wrong with me?”; and the most daunting question… “Will I ever find a man?” When you are ready for love, it will come into your life. What kind of love you are ready for will be determined by how much self-awareness you can create regarding what you desire in a relationship and (no surprise here), how much you love you.

I often ask my clients to create an “Ideal Person” list. The list should capture all of the characteristics and qualities that you are looking for in a partner.  This is deeper than what he or she may look like. It’s about how they show up in their life, how they love, and essentially who they are. Once you’ve established the list, prioritize the top five or so characteristics. These top five are your must haves, as in, if the person does not hold these characteristics, you will move along. While this list is not intended to be your “deal breaker” list, it is an opportunity to date differently; to date more in line with what you desire… not what you typically and historically attract.

Part two of the “Ideal Person” strategy is to BE the list. It would be incongruent to expect someone to show up in a way that you are not. Living a life and showing up in a relationship in the same way as what you desire from a partner will attract what you are looking for; it’s a given. When we find ourselves dating the same kind of person, or have the same result over and over again, there’s room for altering the process. My advice is often the same…  go on a number of dates, refrain from immediate intimacy, and before and after every date, re-read the list.  When we start to catch feelings and jump into bed with someone, clarity tends to get a little blurry and our old brain (which is not in line with the desired list) takes over.

One more thing about the list… when we approach dating from the perspective of observing and cross examining with our list, we are in the driver’s seat. It is the difference between choosing and being chose.  I get that this process sounds a little strategic when it comes to matters of the heart, but if we can approach dating from the perspective of, “Yes, I would like to get to know him/her more”, as opposed to immediately seeing the white picket fence, this will help calm the old brain. This is a self-loving perspective that I promise will serve you!

At the end of the day, your conversations with this person led you to believe that he was on a similar awareness path; that you were aligned. I am guessing that your brain was lit up with excitement because he seemed “aware”. However, when the rubber met the road, he did indeed show you himself; he chose to exit stage right because of HIS story, not because there is something wrong with YOU. This is the essence of self-love… to accept rejection, as rejection itself is the universe’s way of letting you know he wasn’t your person. Self-love is picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, taking a look at possible red flags you may have overlooked, and carrying forward with this new information, knowing that you are worthy of, and will indeed find the kind of love that you desire.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank anyone and everyone who has uttered the words,

“So I asked myself… what would Christina do?”

** This platform has been inspired by you! **

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Dear Christina, I have been married for ten years. We have two kids. I want to stay together. I love my wife. We have been in counselling for a couple years now and I am at a point where resentment is all I see. When she says anything, I am automatically defensive and often throw the “divorce” word around. All I hear is criticism, yet all I want is time with her and a connection. How do I even start to break down her wall and prove to her that she is my everything?

September 27, 2021|Hey Christina|

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