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June 21, 2021

Hey Christina, I’m divorcing after 25 years and have been in a marriage where the primary focus was on raising our kids, and my ex’s career and life path. How do I learn to shift the focus to myself after this many years?

– A Little Lost

DearA Little Lost,

This is pivotal moment in life; there’s no doubt about that. This could be seen as a self-identity crisis, or an opportunity to design up a life that you love. Whether the decision to divorce was mutual, or unexpectedly placed in front of you, you have a choice. Option A: Let this moment suck the spirit out of you and remain stuck and possibly angry, or option B: Heal the wounds and start to look forward to all that life has to share with you.

Is there a time before you met your husband where you were you? Where you navigated life by yourself? Where you paid your bills and made dates with friends? Where you dreamt about what you wanted to be when you grew up? Where you handled life’s blips, got yourself up, dusted yourself off and carried forward? Where you felt like a free spirit one minute and could face whatever life tossed your way? Maybe you even had hobbies or sports or interests?

You are in there, and here’s the beautiful thing… you get to decide what you like, what you don’t like, how you spend your time, who to spend your time with and what you talk about. You can even reshape your beliefs and chose to show up in a way that you’ve always known was in there, but never let out.

This is all about resilience and a healthy dose of courage, and it’s my belief that we are all born with resilience. It is simply lying within you, waiting until you need to call on it. I think it’s safe to say that we have all mustered up some courage at some point in our lives and know how internally rewarding it can be when we handle something difficult.  I recommend looking back and thinking about moments in time when you were faced with a challenge and I would imagine that in hindsight, your perspective may now be that everything worked out; that everything turned out okay. It doesn’t mean there weren’t some bruises along the way, but at the end of the day, everything is “figuroutable”. Holding this belief will get you wherever it is you want to go… even if you don’t know what this looks like quite yet.

I believe that setting yourself up for success is both strategic and essential. Hire a coach, talk to a counsellor, share the tender parts with select friends and get out into the world. Start living your life for you. You have given a lot of yourself, your energy and your time to your family, and while this is a generalization, primary care givers have a tendency to put the family ahead of themselves. This is beautiful in many ways and I suspect you’d not change this, but now you have a fresh new chapter in front of you. Where you can love yourself, see you and do you.  You can now show your children that bouncing back counts, and when you dictate the bounce back, it is all that much more rewarding.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank anyone and everyone who has uttered the words,

“So I asked myself… what would Christina do?”

** This platform has been inspired by you! **

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Dear Christina, I have been married for ten years. We have two kids. I want to stay together. I love my wife. We have been in counselling for a couple years now and I am at a point where resentment is all I see. When she says anything, I am automatically defensive and often throw the “divorce” word around. All I hear is criticism, yet all I want is time with her and a connection. How do I even start to break down her wall and prove to her that she is my everything?

September 27, 2021|Hey Christina|

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