Dear confused,

Thank you for this question that I am sure will align with many people who wonder why they don’t get the love they want.

We can have push and pull in a relationship for many reasons. It could be a differential in values, misaligned attachment styles, unidentified core fracture wounds, trauma and/or unidentified patterns, to name a few. There are so many contributing factors to the relationship. But if we can take a step back from all of the layers and look at one thing, it may help create some clarity. We need to objectively see the reality-based behaviour, or actual events that have happened, in correlation with what we hope for in a relationship (ie. our expectations). There’s often a difference between what we see and what we want to see, so taking an honest look at this can help us see the behaviours for what they are. I have found that when incongruence exists in relationships we are often functioning from hope. Hope is not the same as what is real and true. Hope is what we yearn for … and that which we are deserved of.

In the moments of conflict or when you are being asked for financial help, I’d encourage you to ask … Is this okay with me? How do I feel about this? What would I advise my best friend, sibling, mentor or stranger to do in this situation?

In saying all of this, relationship repair requires engagement from both people. One-sided effort is wrought in failure. Relationships are as much about our partner as they are about us, and seeing our part is imperative. Our part is attached to our expectations. Our expectations are founded in our values … and when we have not verbalized our expectations they have a tendency to bite us in the ass. When we sit in a need, our brain confirms the need and builds a story. Our brain justifies the story. We listen to the story. We replay the story. We believe the story. 

Sometimes it’s as simple as deciding that when a relationship is causing buckets of tears, or is causing us to question and self-doubt, or is a constant push and pull defined by unknown ever-changing rules, or doesn’t mutually give and take … it’s a great time to evaluate what you need, and how important that is to you.

It’s my belief that we teach people how to love us … and when we accept behaviours that hurt or don’t sit well, we are defining the rules of engagement … even if we’re vocal about not liking them … if we continue with the relationship the way it is, we are accepting the way in which we are functioning together. And before we know it, we’ve created patterns in the relationship that simply don’t serve us. Yikes!

So while this can be crunchy to undo or reset, have faith in knowing that all of this can be undone because it lies within you … and is all about holding true to you and your heart.