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February 14, 2020

How to deepen and keep love alive

Love … the intensity of this focus in February can leave us anywhere from questioning our relationship to buying sexy lingerie.

If you are in a happy, loving relationship, Valentine’s Day can be fun and romantic even. But our intimate relationships deserve and need attention more than one day a year. You see, being in a relationship is similar to owning a car. It requires regular maintenance to continue to run well. Just like oil changes, our relationships need TLC all year long, not just on February 14th.

When it comes to relationship we should start with the basics. Gary Chapman is the brains behind this brilliant and wonderful book; The Five Love Languages – the secret to love that lasts. This book breaks down the five love languages which are:

  • Physical Touch
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time

We can all assume that we know our love language and can likely guess our partner’s love language. But I highly encourage you to take this five – ten minute on-line Q & A to determine you and your partner’s love language. Doing this in the bathtub together would be even better!

Let’s back up a little. If your love language is Acts of Service for example, you naturally feel love from your partner when he/she picks up your dry cleaning – without being asked. Or picks up your favorite dinner on the way home. On the flip side, if your partner’s love language is quality time he/she feels love when quality, uninterrupted time, or everyday errands are done together.

It sounds pretty simple. However, I have witnessed, that we often give love in the way that we like to receive it. And this may simply not leave your partner feeling loved by you …

Now don’t get me wrong. Planning a romantic weekend away for your partner whose love language is Words of Affirmation may not land in the way that you had hoped. If you are finding this love language thing a little challenging keep reading.

If our ‘love tanks’ are not being filled we build layer upon layer of feeling unloved.  Feeling unloved can open the door to deep unhappiness and even resentment. Love is like a Maserati. The purr of the engine will come to a crashing halt if it’s never had an oil change.

All of this is great in theory, but what does loving someone via their primary love language look like? Here are some ideas:

If your partner’s love language is Physical Touch here are some ways you can express love that will leave them feeling full … loved … seen and ready to send love right back at you:

  1. Touch him when you walk past one another, a hug for no reason, a snuggle before you get out of bed …
  2. Offer a back rub.
  3. Bath together.
  4. Hold hands.
  5. Walk arm in arm.
  6. Offer to put lotion on each others back.
  7. Touch before making love.

If your partner’s love language is Words of Affirmation:

  1. Leave a note on their dashboard that shares one thing you love most about them.
  2. Kiss each other on your way out and remind each other that they are so damn good at what they do.
  3. Greet each other at the door and tell one another one thing you admire in them.
  4. Randomly mail a card that speaks to how grateful you are for your partnership.
  5. Notice the everyday chores and verbally thank your partner for making them so pleasant and un chore like.
  6. Write words that describe each other best on a bare back with your finger tip … this is a double win if your love language is physical touch!
  7. Send a random text to tell your partner telling them how special they are and why. The why matters here. These messages need to be thoughtful and genuine.

If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts:

  1. Any gift is good. This could not be more untrue. A gift to a person whose love language is gifts means the gift needs to fit.
    WARNING: If you buy a gift for this love language … and it’s a color or something they would never wear, it can act as a withdraw from the love tank. This is all about knowing, seeing and hearing your person.
  2. Bring a gift home after being away.
  3. If you see the perfect gift, buy it and have it on hand.
  4. Fresh, spontaneous regular flowers … her favorite flowers delivered with a love note will never get old.
  5. Have a gift delivered to his work place. And yes, this can be a sexy new g-string. Trust me, this will fill his love tank in more ways than one!
  6. If you love lingerie, buy some and wear it when it’s least expected.
  7. Buy their favorite underwear. Then tuck them into his drawer with a message.

If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service:

  1. Wash their vehicle.
  2. Make their favorite morning coffee and deliver it bedside … and let one thing lead to another.
  3. If lawn mowing is a thing, mow the lawn.
  4. Plan and make dinner.
  5. Pick up their prescription.
  6. Make a reservation, book a babysitter and lay out a dress for her to wear.
  7. Draw a bath with favorite bath salts or bubbles, candles and a favorite beverage.

And last but not least, if your partner’s love language is Quality Time:

  1. Plan and pack a picnic. There’s nothing better than a get-away with mother nature.
  2. Go for a Sunday drive … favorite mid-day drink, a new album to listen to … hand in hand.
  3. Start each day with a coffee date. Define and commit to this. Starting the day with time together will overflow the love tank.
  4. Plan an afternoon at some hot pools or natural springs and just be.
  5. Go to a favorite yoga class together.
  6. Do chores together … grocery shopping together can be fun. For example, get everything on the list plus something that you can feed one another later.
  7. Turn off your phones and let the day unfold … together.

So this Valentine’s Day, and every week hereafter make a date with your partner. Pour each other your favorite drink, put your sexiest underwear on and take the love language quiz together. If you’ve timed this right, this knowledge will take your love to the next level.

Have a question for Christina?

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