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August 15, 2020

How to deepen and keep love alive

Love … the intensity of this focus in February can leave us anywhere from questioning our relationship to buying sexy lingerie.

If you are in a happy, loving relationship, Valentine’s Day can be fun and romantic even. But our intimate relationships deserve and need attention more than one day a year. You see, being in a relationship is similar to owning a car. It requires regular maintenance to continue to run well. Just like oil changes, our relationships need TLC all year long, not just on February 14th.

When it comes to relationship we should start with the basics. Gary Chapman is the brains behind this brilliant and wonderful book; The Five Love Languages – the secret to love that lasts. This book breaks down the five love languages which are:

  • Physical Touch
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time

We can all assume that we know our love language and can likely guess our partner’s love language. But I highly encourage you to take this five – ten minute on-line Q & A to determine you and your partner’s love language. Doing this in the bathtub together would be even better!

Let’s back up a little. If your love language is Acts of Service for example, you naturally feel love from your partner when he/she picks up your dry cleaning – without being asked. Or picks up your favorite dinner on the way home. On the flip side, if your partner’s love language is quality time he/she feels love when quality, uninterrupted, or everyday errands are done together.

It sounds pretty simple. However, we naturally give love in the way that we like to receive it. And this may simply not leave your partner feeling loved by you …

Now don’t get me wrong. Planning a romantic weekend away for your partner whose love language is Words of Affirmation will not be a withdrawl from the tank, so to speak. Especially considering that your time together can be full of words of affirmation. If you are finding this  love language thing a little challenging keep reading.

If our ‘love tanks’ are not being filled we build layer upon layer of feeling unloved.  Feeling unloved can open the door to deep unhappiness or even infidelity. Love is like a Maserati. The purr of the engine will come to a halt if it’s never had an oil change.

All of this is great in theory, but what does loving someone via their primary love language look like? Here are some ideas:

If your partner’s love language is Physical Touch here are some ways you can express love that will leave them feeling full … loved … seen and ready to send love right back at you:

  1. Touch her tenderly when you walk past her … her lower back while you lean across her in the kitchen, a hug for no reason, a snuggle before you get out of bed …
  2. Offer a back rub … anytime.
  3. A bubble bath together.
  4. Hold her hand.
  5. Walk arm in arm.
  6. Offer to put lotion on his back when he steps out of the shower.
  7. Rub his back, chest, arms and legs before making love with him.

If your partner’s love language is Words of Affirmation:

  1. Leave a note on her dashboard that shares one thing you love most about her.
  2. Kiss him on his way out and remind him that he is the most talented at what he’s about to go and do.
  3. Greet him at the door and remind him why you fell in love with him.
  4. Randomly mail him/her a card that speaks to how grateful you are for him/her.
  5. Notice the everyday chores and verbally thank your partner for making them so pleasant and un chore like.
  6. Write words that describe her best on her bare back with your finger … this is a double win if your love language is physical touch!
  7. Send a random text to tell your partner how special they are and why. The why matters here. These messages need to be thoughtful and genuine.

If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts:

  1. Any gift is good. This could not be more untrue. A gift to a person whose love language is gifts means the gift needs to fit.
    WARNING: If you buy a gift for this love language … and it’s the wrong size or it’s a color that they would never wear it will act as a withdrawl from their love tank. So know in your heart that what you are gifting is just right!
  2. Bring a gift home after being on the road.
  3. If you see the perfect gift, buy it and have it on hand.
  4. Fresh, spontaneous regular flowers for her … her favorite flowers delivered with a love note will never get old.
  5. Have a gift delivered to his work place. And yes, this can be a sexy new g-string. Trust me, this will fill his love tank in more ways than one!
  6. If he loves provocative lingerie, buy some for him and wear it when he least expects it.
  7. Buy him his favorite underwear. Then tuck them into his drawer with a message.

If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service:

  1. Wash her car for her.
  2. Make his favorite morning coffee and deliver it bedside … and let one thing lead to another.
  3. If lawn mowing is his thing, mow the lawn for him. But again, if he’s particular about the end result make sure you are mindful of this.
  4. Plan and make dinner.
  5. Pick up her prescription for her.
    WARNING: Acts of service need to be self initiated. A good place to start is your partners “to do list”.
  6. Make a reservation, book a babysitter and lay out a dress for her to wear.
  7. Draw her a bath with her favorite bath salts or bubbles, candles and a favorite beverage. When she’s done, be of service to her. Her body will need to be toweled off. Her skin will need lotion. Again, if your love language is physical touch this is a win all around.

And last but not least, if your partner’s love language is Quality Time:

  1. Plan and pack a picnic. There’s nothing better than a get-away with mother nature.
  2. Go for a Sunday drive … favorite mid-day drink, a new album to listen to … his hand in yours.
  3. Start each day with a coffee date in the kitchen. Define and commit to this. Starting the day with time together will overflow the love tank.
  4. Plan an afternoon at some hot pools or natural springs and just be.
  5. Go to her favorite yoga class with her.
  6. Do chores together … grocery shopping together with a them can be fun. For example, get everything on the list plus something that you can feed him later.
  7. Turn off your phones and let the day unfold … together.

So this Valentine’s Day, and every week hereafter make a date with your partner. Pour each other your favorite drink, put your sexiest underwear on and take the love language quiz together. If you’ve timed this right, this knowledge will take your love to the next level.

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