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March 15, 2021

The Number One Reason Why You Don’t Get What You Want

Let’s start by defining “a pattern”. We are more than our automatic knee jerk reactions. Yet we consistently react and respond in ways that prevent us from getting what we desire – being a victim, being a people pleaser, the one who’s “always right”, critical of self, or putting others needs in front of our own. Our patterns are legitimate – they’ve developed from experiences over the course of our lifetime and are therefore our current reality. They’ve developed from feedback and messaging, mirroring and experiences.

So while these patterns are ingrained we have oh so cleverly attached a story to it. The story justifies the pattern. The story that we listen to is like oxygen. It nourishes and feeds our patterns. The irony here is that the story we tell ourselves is very often untrue. We develop these stories in our childhood and confirm and re confirm them in our adult lives. Our patterns do come directly from our childhood. They are adopted or created in response to our parents and caregivers. Our stories are old tapes … they simply play and we accept them. We believe our story to be our reality. We truly do live in our stories.

When I started cracking into identifying patterns, I quickly realized that patterns truly do get us the opposite of what we want. For example, a pattern of ‘rose coloured lenses’ can result in a person not seeing the reality of their situation. It can mean emotional stuffing and an emotional disconnect altogether. It can also mean that the person is never heard because instead of speaking up they choose to see the positive and slide the rest into the denial bucket. This is the ultimate of self sacrificing. So here you have a person who sees life through rose coloured lenses, which is positive. Yet they likely sit in resentment, hurt and loneliness.

Another pattern that I refer to as the PPP (the professional people pleaser) can be quite stifling. This pattern can result in a person doing so much for others that they live outside of their life. So much so that they tend to wake up one day and find themselves in the middle of a self identity crisis – wondering who they are, what they like, and what they want.

Another pattern example, and one that I see a lot in my office, is the pattern of fear of abandonment. The word abandonment alone can get a reaction … I get it. Abandonment isn’t about being left on a door step as a baby. Abandonment is much further reaching, and in all honesty it is deserved of it’s own article entirely. But what this pattern can mean for someone is an absolute inability to lean in and trust relationship as well as a boat load of sabotaging. Often resulting in no relationship or broken relationships – the opposite of what is desired.

All of our patterns come with a reaction and a story. The reaction doesn’t serve us or our loved one’s well and the story we hold justifies both the reaction and the pattern. The story does not give us room to even see the pattern. Once we hear the story we can then begin to re-write it. This practice results in our triggers being less and the recovery being shorter.  So … how do you identify the patterns and hear the story? Aside from finding a therapist or retreat or coach that can guide you through this, you can start by simply saying what you hear out loud. And then ask yourself … is this true? And ask this again and again until you hear the truth. Because I can guarantee that there’s a big difference between your truth and the story that you are telling yourself. It might even be the exact opposite …!

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